I blurted something out to Nick recently that I'm not necessarily proud of... but I'm also completely at peace with.
"I truly wish she would just never respond back to me again."
He looked at me and said, simply: "Just be honest with her."
And I let that simmer for a little bit. Just. Be. Honest.
My first instinct was — I AM being honest. But when I went back and actually looked at my texts? I was honest. Just not honest honest.
I was still softening things. Downplaying how I actually felt. Responding in ways I knew wouldn't set her off. Shrinking myself to manage her reaction.
That's not honesty. That's tiptoeing. And I'd gotten so good at it I didn't even notice I was doing it.
· · ·
Here's the backstory: there's been a woman in my life for years who I've always sort of... tolerated. You know the type. Where the relationship is 100% a one-way street — she took, I gave, and I accepted that dynamic for longer than I care to admit.
We had a falling out last year. Mostly because of how she was acting... but also, honestly, because I finally started to see the pattern clearly. And when I cut ties, I felt genuinely free... lighter.
So I have no idea why, a few months ago, I felt this pull to reach back out. I convinced myself that I felt bad for making her feel bad.
The conversation picked back up. It felt different from my end — I thought maybe something had shifted. But she slid right back into the same dynamic. And slowly, that dread started creeping in again. Every time I saw her name pop up on my phone: instant tension.
· · ·
It reminded me of my firefighter days, when I'd tiptoe around my chief just to avoid rattling his fragile ego. I spent so much energy managing his comfort that I started to blame myself if something went wrong.
And here's what I've come to realize: we've been conditioned to do this — especially as women. To tiptoe around fragile egos. To manage everyone else's emotional temperature while quietly disregarding our own. To give, and give, and give, and call it being a good friend, a good employee, a good partner.
But what it actually becomes is invisible labor. The kind I talked about on the podcast this week — the slow, cumulative drain that nobody acknowledges and nobody compensates you for. The kind that doesn't just take your time. It takes your identity.
And it doesn't stay in one relationship. It bleeds. It becomes the way you move through the world.
When you've spent years communicating this way — softening, tiptoeing, making yourself manageable — you train the people around you to see you a certain way. So when you finally do try to communicate your real needs, especially with a significant other, they don't know what to do with it.
It doesn't match the version of you they've learned. So they shut down. And suddenly you're managing that too.
This is the cycle. And it starts with never having learned — or never having allowed yourself — to just be honest.
· · ·
Turns out, I was still vibrating at a frequency that attracts it.
But here's the thing — I get to change that. You do too. And the first step is being honest. With ourselves, and then with the people around us.
This is exactly the work we go into inside Energetic Intelligence: Relational Rewire — not just identifying the patterns, but actually rewiring how you show up in your relationships, with others and with yourself. Ultimately changing that frequency around you. If this is landing for you and you want to know more, grab some time on my calendar and let's talk.
· · ·
This Week's Regulation Practice
"The Trim"... or better yet "Trimming the Fat of Frustration": A practice for getting honest about who's costing you energy
Step 1: Run the phone test. Think about the last 5 people who texted or called you (or anyone in your message list). When you saw each name, what did your body do? Did you feel lighter, or did you feel that subtle brace — the little dread that means something? Your nervous system is already giving you the answer. You just have to be willing to listen to it.
Step 2: Do the math. Take the person who came up in Step 1 and ask yourself three questions:
- Do they ask about my life — or only bring up mine when it connects to theirs?
- When something big happens to me, do they show up?
- After I spend time with them (or after their texts), do I feel energized or depleted?
You don't need all three to be a "no" to have your answer. Sometimes one is enough.
Step 3: Decide what honest looks like. This isn't always about a dramatic exit or never speaking to them again. Sometimes it's just... stopping the tiptoeing. Responding instead of initiating. Being real instead of being managed. And sometimes, yeah — it's letting it go entirely. Either way, the decision starts with you being straight with yourself about what you actually want.
Authenticity is hard. It ruffles feathers — especially the ones that have gotten so used to being fluffed. But it also starts clearing the room for the people who actually raise your energy. The ones who check in on you. Who show up. Who make your day better just by being in it.
🎧 This Week on the Hustle Rebels Podcast
If you've been feeling like you're doing everything right and still running on empty — last week's episode is for you.
I broke down invisible labor: what it actually is, why it goes so far beyond the mental load of a household, and how it quietly extracts your identity, not just your time. We also get into the reticular activating system and how it keeps you locked into blueprints you never consciously chose — and what years of carrying that cognitive load actually does to your nervous system.
And this coming week, I'm sitting down with Dr. Shruti Punjabi — urban planner, applied social scientist, and researcher who has lived every one of these tensions firsthand. It's a conversation I've been looking forward to, and I think you will be too.
Watch on Youtube:
🎧 Listen here: [Invisible Labor Is Draining You — And Nobody's Talking About It]
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Until next week — keep turning inward. The answers you've been chasing might already be there.
- Renae
Wayward Wellness Coaching
Hustle Rebels Podcast
